how to accept a gd compliment: a beginner's guide
There’s something about receiving a compliment that makes me want to just…not?
The last time you received a compliment, did you say "thank you" and leave it at that? Or did you try to explain it away? Or turn right back around and compliment the complimenter?
According to Chicago-based clinical psychologist, Dr. Frances Tung, these are tactics individuals use to deflect attention from themselves.
“There are tons of reasons someone wouldn’t want to accept a compliment: high personal expectations, the enculturation of female modesty, or low self-esteem. Often this is caused by someone feeling that they just don’t deserve the praise.”
That dissonance between external and internal self-perception can go so far as to cause the receiver to envision the complimenter having an ulterior motive.
Having a difficult time with compliments is more than just harboring feelings of discomfort, or a gut instinct to say anything other than a simple “thank you.”
In 1990, sociolinguist Robert Herbert conducted a study focusing on “sex-based differences in compliment behavior.” His observations revealed that while 40 percent of men were able to accept compliments from other men, only 22 percent of women were able to do the same, when complimented by other women.
Often times, this condition arises in the office. An unfortunate symptom of career-based imposter syndrome. An easy way to identify this, is if you tend to be able to accept compliments about everything other than your work. That’s something that takes time to shed as you grow more comfortable in your position.
If self-esteem is your issue, Tung suggests first doing the difficult work of building an awareness of your internal thoughts. How do you talk to yourself throughout the day? Do you beat yourself up if you make a mistake? Are you unable to let failures go? Once you establish that awareness, you can start exercising tactics to stop negative self-talk. Start by collecting evidence.
You can do this by writing down compliments you’ve received that are particularly meaningful or that have been repeated to you more than once. By building up a physical arsenal of good vibes, you’re not only shifting your internal narrative to be more compassionate—you're also matching it with the world you move through.
Tung explains that, “[we’re] sort of the worst at judging ourselves. We’re bad at seeing how we are in the world. That’s why it’s helpful to take in what other people say and incorporate that into your view of self.”
It’s pretty common to find that your internal dialogue doesn’t quite match up with how you’re perceived by those around you.
Compliments are often more about the giver than the receiver. If someone is going out of their way to compliment you, they are doing so because of the positive impact you’ve had on them or their work. Accept that it's probably genuine.
And like so many things, simply fake it until you make it. Even if you do feel uncomfortable, you don’t have to show it. Just say ‘thank you’ and let it lie. That way, your internal narrative will just have to catch up with your behavior.