The People of Yoga Class
The very unique cast of the yoga class:
1. The Here for the Insta Yogi
She's going to post a picture of her feet on a yoga mat with some glowing candles in the background and caption it with some pseudo-profound-bullshit-inspirational quote. You just know she will. This girl has the best yoga mat, the most coordinated outfit, and puts effort into every detail down to her special grip yoga socks. Her hair always looks flawless and somehow she never sweats…What will she do after being crowned Miss Yoga? Oh yeah, she's heading to happy hour.
2. The Hairy Yogi
This person dgaf. This person will fart or queef and not even blink while the rest of us are trying to be good little yogis that do not giggle when the human body emits noises. Those farts aren't the only smell this yogi produces, no aluminum-based deodorant or chemical-laden laundry detergent for this dude.
Overheard at the begging of class:
"I can smell him from here and he smells like the flea market".
3. The Wanderluster
This yogi has either forced her european hair into dreadlocks or she's walking around with a buzzed head. There is no in-between. She's been to Bali and she's a fully raw 80/10/10 vegan. She's wearing harem pants and has a moonstone mala in hand. No one knows where she lives or how she supports herself but her straight white teeth suggest a middle-class suburban upbringing.
4. The Enlightened Yogi
I don't know why but this person is always a man. He's wearing loose pants and no shirt. Never a shirt. He's both ripped and super flexible. He's on a first-name basis with all the instructors. He's snacking on seeds and sipping some tea you've never heard of before. At the start of class he gathers all the available props by his mat and knows what to do with them. He says very little but you know he's been doing yoga since forever.
5. The Beginner that's just not getting IT
Told this person to do a stretch to the left? They’re going right. Want them to do the downward dog? They’re doing jumping jacks for some reason. Absolutely no spacial awareness what so ever - please put your foot in my face some more, it's my fav. You know that game you’d play as a kid where everything meant the opposite for the day? It’s exactly like that. All the time. Every class. But hey, we all start somewhere.
6. The Core Power Yogi
This chic usually does core power yoga or crossfit. All poses are spot on, she never complains about the temperature, never cracks a smile, never laughs at the instructor's jokes. She even drinks her water intensely. Most likely an undercover FBI agent.
7. The Super Flexible Couple
Like how did you two meet? Do you have any other hobbies? How did this happen? For real, who are you?
8. The Mom
She comes in late, she leaves shavasana early. There is nothing subtle about her comings and goings. She's got her keys in hand and ice sloshing in her drink like she's trying to be distracting. Where is she going all the time anyways? Who knows but SHE HAS KIDS AND THIS IS HER ONLY 'ME' TIME.
9. The Teacher's Pet
Perhaps the most annoying person you will ever meet. This person usually lingers around talking to the instructor waaayy after the class has finished. It's like they're trying to get an autograph or a gold star or something.
10. The Bromantic Bros
These two look like they're just meeting up before one goes to lacrosse practice and the other goes to haze some pledges. They are not flexible, like at all. They're wearing shorts from lululemons men's line and they definitely giggle when someone toots or falls out of a pose. They're kinda jerks but they're also kinda the lovable light hearted yogaclass clowns.
11. The Silver She-wolf
This foxy grandma is #goals. While you're trying to touch your toes but can't make it past your knees, this gal has already touched her toes and painted her nails and is on her way to doing firefly pose (google it). You need to take a little breather after rushing in from the parking lot and rolling out your yoga mat while she's already doing her own warm ups. This absolute babe has the ultimate flexibility and is the most genuine sounding during the 'OMM'-ing and namaste-ing. Again, making everyone else look bad. Cheers lady, you're who we all want to be someday.
12. The Yoga Witch
DO NOT CROSS THIS CHIC. She's a self-actualizing yoni egg ritual practicing crazy person. I repeat, DO NOT FUCK WIT HER.
13. The At Home Yogi
Who knows what she looks like. She's at home. Far far away from this freak show.